A wizard must always know how to use words. Practice smiling as you recite the following simple exercise. First: “The spell has not worked. It is best that you get out of your house before it explodes.” Second: “The spell has not worked. It is best I get out of here before you explode.” And third: “The spell has not worked. Will you please pay me the rest of my retainer before your money explodes with you?” Delivering lines like these with conviction is the sign of a professional sorcerer.
— THE WIZARD FINALS: A STUDY GUIDE
EBENEZUM, GREATEST MAGICIAN IN THE WESTERN
KINGDOMS (THIRD EDITION)
“I have something for you.”
Snarks held up a length of wood. It was my stout oak staff!
“Where did you get this?” I asked incredulously.
“We found it on our way to rescue you from those creatures. It was easy to follow. There was stuff littered all over the ground.”
“Yeah!” a small voice piped from the rear. “But you needed a Brownie to point it out.”
I swung the staff experimentally. Its familiar weight felt good in my hands. “Wait a second. Did you use my staff in that battle?
The demon shrugged. “Well, I needed something. It would have been difficult to push my way through that bunch of animals, just to say, ‘Oh, by the way, here’s your staff.’ Besides, I saw you’d gotten yourself a plank!”
I glanced at the patterns the sun made through the trees high overhead. I decided I would rather not think about the plank.
“Besides, I’m pretty handy with a staff myself. Got a lot of training at Heemat’s place. In fact, I could give you one or two pointers—”
“Doom,” Hendrek interjected. “We found this as well.”
The warrior drew a crumpled pack from out of Head-basher’s sack. It took me a moment to realize that it was the wizard’s—the same pack that I had carried on my back for most of our journey!
“I fear most of the contents have been lost,” Hendrek intoned as I opened the thing. “We picked up what was nearby, but we felt coming to your rescue was more important than a concentrated search.”
It was true. Almost all the arcane paraphernalia was gone. Nothing remained but a few books and one rumpled piece of cloth.
I pulled what at first looked like a rag from the pack. It was the same dark fabric as the magician’s robes, tastefully inlaid with- silver moons and stars. I hastily shook it out. Yes! It was the wizard’s cap!
“Master! “I called.
Ebenezum turned from where he walked, some twenty paces ahead of the rest of the party. I held up my discovery.
“Indeed?” the wizard said with one raised eyebrow.
“They found it on the way to rescue us!” I explained.
“That’s right!” the Brownie cried. “The things you lost led us right to you! Brownies are very good at following trails. It comes from being compact and close to the ground! Talk about Brownie Power!”
“I’d rather not,” Snarks murmured.
“You’d better watch out, or the next Brownie wish will center on you!”
“Gentlemen, please,” Ebenezum called. “We can argue once we get to Vushta. Would you bring that cap to me, Wunt?”
The wizard fit the somewhat rumpled cap on top of his head. He allowed himself a smile. “Indeed, a wizard is never complete without his cap. Did our party rescue anything else?”
I told him about the pack and the stout oak staff.
“Nought but a few books?” The wizard sighed. “Well, let us hope that, if we encounter any difficulties, those worthy tomes will suffice. We are close enough to Vushta that, should luck be with us, we shall not need any of them.”
He scratched at the hair beneath his hat. “I am glad for the return of the cap, nonetheless. The more you look like a wizard, Wuntvor, the more people treat you like a wizard.”
The mage shifted his shoulders beneath his robes and began to walk once again toward Vushta.
“And speaking of magic,” Ebenezum said, “were you ever able to reestablish contact with that young witch?”
Norei! With all the recent excitement, I’d barely had time to think about her. I shivered when I remembered her scream, and Guxx’s demonic face reciting deadly poetry. Briefly, I told Ebenezum what had happened.
“So the demon is aware of the grackle spell?” the wizard mused. “Pity. Then we can no longer use it. Let us pray that the young lady has not been harmed.”
Norei? Harmed? A cold chill shot from my hairline to my shoes. She wasn’t like me, a bumbling apprentice who, with luck, could manage an extremely simple spell. She was a qualified young witch! I was so sure of her abilities that I never doubted she would be safe.
But I had not really considered who she was fighting. Guxx was no ordinary demon. He had almost defeated my master, the greatest wizard in all the Western Kingdoms! What hope would a mere young witch have against something as strong as that?
“Indeed,” Ebenezum said, as if he could read my thoughts. “We can help her best by getting to Vushta as quickly as possible.”
Yes, my master was right. It would do me no good to recriminate myself for walking with Alea when I should have been thinking of Norei. We were all due to fight in a drama much larger than our petty, everyday concerns. There was no time for grief. Action was all that mattered now.
The trees had been thinning for some time, so that we could see regular patches-of sunlight here and there. The leaves whispered overhead as the wind picked up. The air smelled moist and tangy.
“Doom!” Hendrek called from behind. “ ‘Tis the smell of the sea!” The trees ended abruptly, and we found ourselves on a cliff. Below us was a small village, built entirely from stone. Beyond the two dozen houses was the largest body of water I had ever seen.
“Indeed,” Ebenezum said. “The Inland Sea.” He looked over the cliff edge. “There must be some way down from here.”
“How about Brownie Power?”
“No, I think unless you can make a flying shoe—” The wizard hesitated. “Let me rephrase that. Unless you can make a flying shoe that you have tested before, I think we would be better off finding another way.”
“Well, all right,” the Brownie said reluctantly, “if that’s the way you feel about it. Gee, a flying shoe? What a nifty idea! You sure you don’t want to try it? I mean, my wishes have been pretty good about coming true.” The Brownie tried on a winning smile. “Well, at least two of them have.”
“Indeed.” Ebenezum nodded at the others. “Hendrek, Snarks, see if you can possibly find a path, would you?”
“What about a bouncing shoe?” the Brownie asked. “If I made it big enough, we could all bounce down together!”
Snarks and Hendrek went quickly about their business.
“Doom!” Hendrek called. “There are some stairs here, cut into the rock. They curve around the edge of the cliff, but they appear to descend toward the village.”
“Oh,” the Brownie said, rather disappointed. “Then I don’t suppose you want a climbing shoe, either. I mean, I could make one with really strong laces, which you could tie around trees and outcroppings of rock. What do you say?”
“Indeed,” the wizard replied. “I feel the stairs might be faster.” He walked over to the cliff edge where the large warrior stood. “Hendrek and Wuntvor will come with me. I fear that you other two must wait here for the nonce. We need to secure the use of a boat from the village below, and I suspect that, should the villagers see a demon and a Brownie in their midst, it might somewhat hamper our negotiations.”
“I have to stay up here?” Snarks asked, a look of horror on his face. He pointed at the Brownie. “With him?”
“I think it would be for the best,” Ebenezum asserted.
“Don’t worry,” the little fellow said cheerfully. “I can relate some fascinating anecdotes from Brownie history to help pass the time. By the time the others return, you’ll know just how Brownie Power came to be!”
“Doom,” Snarks remarked.
“We must be off!” the wizard called. “Hendrek, lead the way. And keep your warclub at the ready, in case we encounter demonic intervention during our descent.”
Hendrek nodded grimly, and led the way.
I heard the Brownie laugh as we carefully took the steps down.
“It won’t be so bad! I’ll tell you all about how Brownies got into the shoe business in the first place. You know, originally, we were going to make magic socks—”
Mercifully, the cliff face cut off any further noise from above.
The descent was not as bad as I had first imagined. What began as a cliff face soon became little more than a steep hill, and the steps carved from stone became a rocky path. We reached the village quickly, without a single sign of demonic intervention.
An old man sat on a stump at the edge of the village, smoking reflectively on a long, clay pipe. He nodded at us as we approached. Ebenezum took the lead.
“A good day to you, good sir,” the wizard began.
The old man smiled. “Ah, it is a fine day, isn’t it? I sometimes think late summer afternoons like this are a gift from the gods. It gives an old man like myself a chance to smoke quietly and contemplate the glory of the world around me. But I always talk too much. What brings fine people like yourselves to Glenfrizzle?”
“That’s the name of your town then?” Ebenezum asked.
The old man nodded.
“Actually, we’ve come seeking advice.”
The old man laughed. “Lucky for you, advice is my specialty. People come to me all the time to ask questions about farming and fishing.” He puffed once on his pipe. “I’ve become an expert. That’s what happens when you get too old to do anything else.”
“Ah,” the wizard said. “Then you’re just the man we want to see. We are traveling to Vushta, and seek passage across the Inland Sea. Would you know where we might be able to hire a boat?”
“Well let’s—” The man’s face suddenly contorted. His eyes crossed and he blew smoke through his nose. “Passage? Vushta? Hire a boat?” He swallowed. His eyes uncrossed. He smiled at my master. “I have a pipe. It is fun to smoke my pipe.”
The wizard frowned. “Indeed, but can you tell us where to find a boat?”
The old man waved his pipe in circles. His eyes followed the movement of the bowl. He giggled in delight.
“Boat?” he said at last. “What is a boat?”
“Indeed.” Ebenezum stepped away from the old man. He glanced at me. “Perhaps we have some trouble with the local dialect.” He turned back to the old gentleman and spoke slowly and distinctly. “Sir, we seek a ship to take us across the Inland Sea.”
“Ship.” The old man rolled the word around on his tongue, as if trying it out. “Shipship shipship. What is a ship?”
“We need a vessel to take us to Vushta!” Ebenezum stepped away and took a deep breath. He had been shouting.
“Oh,” the old man said. “What is a vushta? I have a pipe. It is a very nice pipe.”
Ebenezum sneezed.
“Sorcery!” he cried. “I should have suspected. Quickly, men, we must get into the village before this foul spell spreads!”
Ebenezum took off at a run. Hendrek and I did our best to keep up with him.
We ran past a young woman carrying a small child. Ebenezum stopped abruptly. Hendrek and I stopped as soon as we could.
“Quick, woman!” the wizard said. “We desperately need your help.”
The woman was quite taken aback. “Well, sir,” she said after a moment’s pause. “I will do what I can.”
“Good,” Ebenezum replied. “We must go to sea.”
The woman nodded.
“Do you know,” the wizard asked, “where we might hire a boat to take us to Vushta?”
“ ‘Tis child’s play,” the woman began. “Just—” Her head jerked back for a second. Her eyes crossed. “Boat? Hire? Vushta?” Her eyes uncrossed. She smiled sweetly and bit her lip. “Have you come out to play?”
“No!” Ebenezum insisted. “We must book passage to Vushta.”
“Oh,” the woman said. “I can’t read books. What’s a vushta?”
“The spell is spreading too fast!” the wizard cried. “We must hurry!”
We ran down the street until we reached the docks. A stocky fisherman sat on the edge of his boat, mending a net.
“Quick, man!” Ebenezum cried. “We need your help!”
“A wizard needs my help?” the man said. “And what can I do for you?”
“Perhaps the spell will not work if we are away from land. May we come aboard?”
“Sure, if you don’t mind the company of a few fish.”
The wizard stepped hastily onto the boat.
“Now, answer at once, for we must be away. We will pay you well if you take us to Vushta,”
“Vushta?” the man grinned. “Well, as I said, if you don’t mind—” His eyes crossed. His grin grew wider. “I have lots of fish.”
“I don’t care about your fish!” Ebenezum shouted. “Will you take us in your boat?”
“Sure,” the fisherman said. “What’s a boat?”
“It’s what we’re standing in,” the wizard replied. “We need you to take us across the Inland Sea.”
“Sure,” the fisherman said. “What’s a sea?”
Ebenezum shook his head. “We are too late again.”
“Doom,” Hendrek intoned.
The fisherman held up his net. “Look at the pretty string. I have lots of pretty string.”
My master scrutinized the large warrior.
“Hendrek, have you ever piloted a boat?”
“Wait!” I interjected. “Be careful what you say.” My master’s last few words had given me an idea.
“Doom!” The warrior looked about warily. “What have you learned?”
“Don’t you see?” I turned to Hendrek. “The spell only works when we turn to someone and ask, ‘Can we hire a boat to go to Vushta?’ “
“Doom,” the large warrior said. “Then we shall never—” Hendrek paused. His head shook and his eyes crossed. “Boat? Vushta? Hire?” His eyes uncrossed. He smiled broadly. “Doom.”
“Hendrek? Are you all right?” For a moment, I was afraid that I had inadvertently used the spell on him.
“Doom,” he said again.
He sounded like his old self. Perhaps it hadn’t really affected him after all.
“Doom,” Hendrek repeated. “Doom de doom de doom de doom. I like to sing. Doom doom de doom.”
“Indeed!” the wizard cried. “Wuntvor, speak no more! You have hit on the very thing. If I wasn’t so preoccupied, I would have thought of it before! It is a variation on Gorgelhumm’s Spell of Universal Stupidity!”
“Doom,” Hendrek said. “Doom de doom doom.”
Ebenezum pulled thoughtfully at his beard. “We will cure Hendrek in Vushta. From this point on, Wuntvor, we must choose our words carefully.”
Another boat bumped against the nearby dock.
“Quickly, Wunt!” Ebenezum urged. “But cautiously as well!” He ran toward the docked boat. I followed close behind. Hendrek meandered after us as well, playfully bashing in portions of the dock with his warclub.
“Excuse us, sir,” the wizard called.
The boatman looked at us dubiously. “Is something wrong?”
Ebenezum stopped running and tried his best to appear casual. I attempted to imitate my master. Hendrek doom-de-doomed behind us.
“Actually, nothing is wrong, save that my two companions and I are stuck here on land, and we wish to—uh—” My master paused and smiled. “We wish to not be on land.”
“What?” the boatman asked. “Where would you be if you weren’t on land? Do you want to walk around on the air?”
“No, no!” Ebenezum said, still smiling. “You don’t understand! You see, uh, we need to get to different land!”
“Really?” The boatman began to unfurl his sail. “Well, I hope you enjoy the walk.”
“No!” Ebenezum cried. He made shooing motions toward the ocean. “Can you go out?”
“Go out? I just came in.”
“No, no!” Ebenezum waved frantically in an attempt to keep the man’s attention. “Can we go out?”
“Out where?” The man’s eyes narrowed. “A tavern someplace, I suppose. You’re not trying to get me drunk to steal my boat, are you? Those wizard’s robes look pretty old and torn to me. They don’t fool this old boatman for a minute. Where did you dig them up?”
“I beg your pardon!” Ebenezum stiffened, the smile gone from his face. “I am a true wizard! These are my real wizard’s robes! I have been through great hardship and adventure to reach this point. It is not my fault if you do not feel you have time to listen to a reasonable request!”
“Reasonable request?” The boatman threw up his hands. “I haven’t even heard anything that could be considered a civil question. Until you got angry, I wasn’t even sure you were conversant in the common tongue! What are you, some sort of religious fanatics?”
“I beg your—” Ebenezum paused and pulled on his beard. “That it is. We are simple pilgrims, unable to use certain words for religious reasons.” He drew a sack of gold from inside his robes. “Fortunately, we are rich religious pilgrims, and will pay you well for your services.”
“Oh,” the boatman smiled. “Why didn’t you say so? Where would you like to go?”
“Well, I need you to take my two companions and me from this land to—uh—another land.”
“Yes, yes?” the boatman urged. “Come on, my good man, I can’t take you there if I don’t know where I’m going. What land do you want to go to?”
“Indeed,” Ebenezum mused. “Well, we need to go to a big city, on the other side of the—uh—water. A magic city!”
“Aha!” the boatman cried. “You want to hire my boat so I can take you across the Inland Sea to Vushta! Why, that’s simple—”
The man paused and shook. His eyes crossed. “Hire? Sea? Vushta?” His eyes uncrossed. He laughed. “I like to laugh.”
“Doom de doom de doom,” Hendrek sang behind me.
“Doom de doom de doom,” the boatman replied.
“Oh no!” I moaned. “We can’t even imply that we wish to hire a boat for Vushta, can we?”
“Indeed not,” Ebenezum replied. “Apparently, this spell—” The wizard paused and shivered. His eyes crossed. “Vushta? Hire? Boat?” The mage sneezed.
“Master?” I whispered.
Ebenezum turned to me, his face lit by a beatific smile.
“I am a good wizard. I have pretty robes. Indeedy!”
The wizard sneezed.
“Master!” I cried. What had I done?
“Doom de doom,” Hendrek hummed. “Doom de doom.”